I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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