I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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