I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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