at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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