I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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