Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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