my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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