peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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