My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
