Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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