I have demons in me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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