oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
