I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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