We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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