There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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