just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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