Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
