she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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