I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
