My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
