theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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