my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
