I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
