Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
