Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
