Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
