And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
