even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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