My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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