While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
