I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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