so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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