i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
