I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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