Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
