She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
