watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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