Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
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