my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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