were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
