you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
