Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
