Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Just cropdusted the office
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I licked your asshole in confidence.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
