I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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