today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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