dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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