she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
