I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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