Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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