make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
