i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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