So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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