I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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