I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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