he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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