Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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