i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
