Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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