wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
