You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wear drunk well.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
