im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
