If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He told me they were just razor bumps!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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