i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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